My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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