You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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