Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
