My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I cut my penus on the lid.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
