I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
