Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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