I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
