The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
