Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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