Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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