Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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