You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
