took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
