I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
