my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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