Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
