the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
