my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
