2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize
