Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
