dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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