you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
