I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
