Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
