Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
