it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
