Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
