***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
