90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
