Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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