I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
