i was born a porn star she said
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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