I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
