I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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