I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
