a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
