i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
