conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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