I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
