Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
