at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
