your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
