Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
