Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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