Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
