I puked a lego.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
