Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
