Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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