she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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