Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
