non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
